Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Shrinkological Disorder Shenanigans

This is a post about things I think we should add to the DSM (Diagnostic Statistics Manual), AKA, the Bible of Shrinkological Disorders. Note: These are not in there at all right now, and probably will NEVER find their way into this book.

Note: "DSM-5 is scheduled for release in May 2013," according to the DSMV website... Just in case you were curious...



Without further adieu...
1. Overcompensating Personality Disorder

Description:
Frequently referred to as Short Man Syndrome and The Napoleon Complex, Overcompensating Personality Disorder (OPD) affects both men and women. The essential feature is that Individuals with OPD inadvertently overcompensate for having something less than expected by societal standards with aggression and domineering qualities. As a result, they generally appear to their peers as a-holes. Many also have a problem succeeding in their career and maintaining healthy relationships. Unfortunately, most of them are not suicidal. This disorder is an Axis II diagnosis; however, in their peers, it can be an Axis IV diagnosis as they can cause psychological problems for people forced to work with them or live with them. People with OPD are sometimes a stressor to other people as many people with OPD turn into bullies, hence the importance of treating it is more for society's sake than the person who has OPD. The cause of OPD is unknown, but indicators show a genetic, environmental mix. Freud's theories of psychosexual stages may explain some environmental variables.

Diagnostic Criteria:

(I). A need to overcompensate including, but not limited to, the following:
  • A wittle wing wang on men
  • Small breasts on women
  • Short height
  • Lighter Skin Tone on people who are trying to be gangsta'
  • A vagina trying to succeed in a world of penises
AND

(II). Four or more of the following:
  1. Aggression without provocation
  2. Difficulty controlling anger
  3. Domineering Personality
  4. Low Self Esteem
  5. Bullying behaviors
  6. Threatens violence
  7. Mild Paranoia (sees threats when they aren't there, such as new employee at work doing his job)
  8. Big truck with over-sized tires

Treatment:

While an ass kicking seems like an obvious solution, it is not. It will just make the situation worse. Treatment includes therapy that confronts possible psychological causes, corrects undesired behaviors, and focuses on finding less a-holeish ways to fit in. May suggest to patient to try out the big truck with over-sized tires if they don't already have one.



2. MOM Syndrome

MOM Syndrome is an STD that affects only women. For men who think they have MOM Syndrome, see DAD Syndrome. Women who suffer from MOM often generally also suffer from a cocktail of mental health problems and physical health problems. The essential characteristic of MOM Syndrome is The Bat Shit Crazy. The cause is children as a product of sexual activity, but MOM can be complicated by, as well as complicate, other variables, some also caused by children, such as sleep deprivation, back and hip problems from child birth, poor nutrition..., and some not caused by children such as existing health conditions before the onset of reproduction. While there is no known cure for MOM Syndrome, experts are NOT studying or looking for a cure because nobody really gives a damn, not even on Mother's Day. MOM Syndrome is coded as an Axis 6 diagnosis, and for those who are unaware of the Axis 6, that is the Axis for Fucking Nuts, and it's generally considered highly unethical (that's a big word that means Dr. Phil) to code people as such.

A woman must exhibit at least 10 of the following, and could write at least 5 more to add from the top of her head to be diagnosed with MOM Syndrome:

  1. Bat Shit Crazy
  2. Chronic Sleep Deprivation
  3. Insomnia (a result of chronic sleep deprivation)
  4. Migraines
  5. Hallucinations (such as hearing babies cry when no baby is crying)
  6. Disassociated Delusions (such as hearing someone else's baby cry and swearing it's your baby)
  7. Short Term Memory Loss (do you even know where your car keys are)
  8. Zombieness (like when that moment hits you that you apparently drove your kid to school because you are in the parking lot and your kid is in the back seat and you are not sure how you just got there)
  9. Absent Minded Professor Syndrome (such as putting the cereal in the fridge and milk in the cabinet, or putting ice in a bottle, or handing the bottle of milk to the husband)
  10. Frequent Tardiness and Absences (like forgetting doctor's appointments or constantly being late to them)
  11. Poor hygiene (3 days without a shower and 2 without brushing teeth)
  12. Gray hair (before hair dye, and sometimes regardless of it)
  13. Increase or decrease in appetite (like forgetting to eat, or eating the entire pie by accident without ever using a plate)
  14. Decreased social activity (a result of minors not being permitted in certain social settings)
  15. Extreme weight loss or weight gain
  16. Bad Driving (like swerving and braking due to "reach around slap a brat" or being struck in the head by a flying ice cream cone)
  17. Frequent sudden loss of urine (like pee a little every cough, sneeze or huge laugh, and sometimes total urination due to not being allowed, or able, to go use the bathroom)
  18. Using the bathroom in front of a live studio audience (while generally considered very strange, it's actually normal for people suffering from MOM)
  19. Deep unexplainable unconditional love for the children, including would do anything for them (would appear to be like Stockholm Syndrome, or the result of being under the influence of a cult-like sociopath, but for some wild crazy reason, it's not).
  20. Fantasizes about sleep, food, and sitting down.
  21. Knows Dora, Foofa, Caillou, Kipper, Max, Ruby, and many other fictional characters and will sometimes talk about them like grandmas do about soap operas.
  22. Despises Disney DVD's for the amount of Previews.
  23. Irrational hatred for legos, moon sand, and any toy that makes a noise
  24. Has a bottle of spoiled milk or an old sippy cup of juice under her bed
  25. Makes outrageous claims to her children that the boogeyman will get them if they don't stop....
  26. Tourettes Syndrome (occasionally stuttering, sometimes randomly blurting out words like boogers, poop, spank, time out, and fuck).
  27. Internet addiction, such as Facebook, as if that's their only means to talk to people
  28. Obsession with reading mommy blogs, occasionally attempting to read shitty articles about parenting to later turn back to mommy blogs.
  29. Irrationally valid feelings of being caged or under-appreciated
  30. Coffee addiction
  31. Randomly breaks out into song and dance
  32. Sleep cooking and cleaning (like sleep walking, but much more productive, and slightly more dangerous)
  33. Hoards chocolate in secret places
Treatment:

To prevent catching the MOM, use a condom and other birth control methods before engaging in the awesome of sex and orgies. There is no known treatment for mom, but rest and relaxation helps, if available. Insurance doesn't cover rest and relaxation because the rising rates of day care would bankrupt them if they did. Many medications exist to help treat symptoms, such as coffee, a shower, and copious amounts of booze. 

Also check out http://www.dribblesngrits.com/2013/03/mom-syndrome-how-to-treat-crazy-that.html



3. DAD Syndrome

Also known as "Sympathy Pains," DAD Syndrome's essential characteristics are delusions of grandeur and the desire to be the victim. Affecting only men, people who experience DAD Syndrome are whiny with a false sense of entitlement. Usually, this comes from womb envy. Men get jealous of the women who carried a baby, gave birth, and breastfed, not only for the woman's ability to do such a thing, but for the attention the woman expects for enduring such a thing. They see these women as heroes and wish they, themselves, could be that awesome. Instead of trying to be awesome, they just complain about the things their women experience as if they themselves experienced it. They often also qualify for a diagnosis with narcissistic personality disorder and can suffer from a mental retardation. Note: Unlike MOM Syndrome, just because a man has children does not mean he will have DAD Syndrome, and sometimes, a man doesn't have to have any children to have DAD Syndrome.

Must experience 2 or more of the following:
  1. Delusions of Grandeur (like when they do the dishes once and act like they cleaned the whole house daily for the last 6 years).
  2. Helplessness (can't find his other shoe)
  3. Constant complaining of back pain, indigestion, knee pain, etc., usually whatever their woman is actually experiencing
  4. Sleeps too much
  5. Doesn't do any housework (because they are so overloaded with responsibilities such as a job and video gaming... someone's got to save the world).
  6. Stressed without any actual stressors (like stress about paying the bills their wife pays)
  7. Gives himself zero accountability to negative things (such as the house is a mess and the kids miss a lot of school, like none of that was ever his responsibility)
  8. Gives himself full credit to positive things (such as the house is clean and the kids have good grades, as if he did it all by himself)
  9. Attention Whorism
  10. Constant whining of how he needs a break
  11. Believes his wife makes up all of her problems (i.e. sleep deprivation is a myth and she probably sleeps every time he does)
  12. Very self-centered
  13. Dissociative Empathy (meaning he sees his wife struggles and pretends she isn't struggling at all but he is struggling even though she is the one doing all the work)
  14. Overdramatic response to pain, such as stubbing his toe and dropping on the floor screaming in agony rolling around as if he were just shot in the balls with a 50 cal rifle.
  15. Constantly reassures everyone that he just worked 8 hours
  16. Considers guns, video games, tools and anything he likes or wants to be a household need
  17. Considers vacuums, dusters, dish detergent, paper towels, etc. to be selfish purchases by or gifts for his wife.
  18. When faced with something like dinner time, hunger, and hungry children, solves problem by going to wife and asking, "What's for dinner?"
  19. Wishes his wife were a lot of things, but doesn't want to contribute so that she can be those things (such as wishes his wife would stop being a bitch but doesn't want to stop being the reason she is a bitch).

Treatment

A nice big cup of man the fuck up.



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